Dear Dad,
We celebrated Mom's birthday this weekend. We all took her to The OG...really James and Daniela did though. They pulled a fast one and James handed his card to the waiter before Eric and I could split it with them...before he even brought the bill really. After diner we came back to the house, after James and Daniela stopped to get a cake. They got two candles: a number "6" and a number "1". Mom switched them around, wishing she were a much younger 16! We just hung around the kitchen and talked and laughed. It felt good. Though prior to all this we sent flowers to school for her on Friday, which worked out to be the day before her actual birthday. I included your name on the card even though I wasn't sure if it was the right thing do or not. Eric said that I shouldn't because it might make her upset. In the end I thought it was important to include you and felt it was something that you wanted. (Secretly though, it may have been one of those things that I do because I feel guilty for doing things/moving on without you.) Though next to the flowers that Holly and Tony sent, ours look like pulled up weeds! The flowers they sent were really beautiful. Oh Dad, I'm really worried about my friend at work, and there's not much that I know to do to help her. She's so amazing on a personal level and as a co-worker. I know I've asked you quite often lately to help me out in some sort, but if I was ever able to get a favor pulled, now would be the time. If there's anything you can do to help her or look out for her...or help put her on whatever track or path she's supposed to travel (even if it doesn't fit into the cast I'd expect), I beg of you to act on it. It's really important to me. She's one of my friends that's helped me get through all that's gone on for me in the last few months...specifically one of the ones that really has no idea how much of an impact she's had on helping everything to fit into and make sense in my head.

I thought of you this morning...I took James to Junior's Diner...that diner that I would have loved to take you to for breakfast. And he said that it was like that Jack and Jane's place that you used to really love, just a little bigger. I knew you'd like it :-)

-Tiff

Dear Dad,
A monumental day today. I hope you got front row seats! This is one of those days that people will ask years from now where you were and what you were doing...and many will recount with nostalgia such vivid stories that include a ridiculous amount of detail like what it was that they were wearing, what the weather was like for the day (and how it changed throughout the afternoon) and maybe what kind of TV was showing "the moment", along with a story of how it got there. Or even who was around them while it was happening. It's good though...moments like these are a sign of things about to change...which I think is always a good thing -even when you'd wish for time to stand still indefinitely. And after all of this history changing stuff going on, all I can think of is the dog that I'm sure is out there in the cold somewhere by himself. I guess I need to back up a little bit: After our walk with the dogs on Sunday my mind was stuck on the "lost dog" (or so the sign said) and I wanted so badly to help him. I posted a link on craigslist.com and I got an email yesterday about someone who lost a dog in the area and her description was pretty much dead on. Eric went to the neighbor's house that was holding onto the dog and the woman of the house seemed pretty crazy-pants, so Eric took the dog with him. The crazy-pants lady couldn't have been happier. The lady thinking her family dog may have been found, came by the house hoping to take her dog home. Prior to her getting here, I had visions of crying at the dog/person reunion...I can't imagine losing one of our dogs. Only to find out that the emotional event in my mind wasn't going fall into the mold that I had assigned. This unnamed dog could and does still stand in the "lost" dog line-up, unfortunately right a long with her dog. She knew even before she got all the way out the door in the back that he didn't belong with her family. So we (dog and us) were stuck with each other at this point...at least for the night. He was so very friendly...however we weren't sure how he would be with other dogs or exactly where he fell on the health scale, so we kept him separated him from our dogs. He stayed on the couches in the garage and hopefully slept okay for the night. In the morning after he had a little breakfast, Eric had him outside and I think Shadow must have scared him with a bark from other side of the backyard fence. He just took off down the street...even with the harness and leash, borrowed from Lola-Bacon, still attached to him. It's so cold tonight and it's supposed to be colder tomorrow. James says that I gave him a death sentence...I know he thinks that I shouldn't get involved. I just couldn't help it. Many times I would prefer dogs over people. I think too often we as humans, dismiss and discard animals and I can't imagine how low and empty it must feel to be one of the dismissed and discarded. If I'm able to help or save one, I'm hoping it makes the ones that slip through the fingers (like this lost guy) worth it. Well I don't know about worth it...but I can only hope it makes it feel a little better.

-Tiff

Dear Dad,
Not a bad weekend...went to a party on Friday night with some friends and hung out with Mel and Izzak last night to celebrate Mel's birthday. I had a good time...at both. I've been feeling lighter the last few days and just been enjoying what I'm doing when I'm doing it. This morning Eric and I got up and went out for breakfast...we were finally able to get into that Bakin & Eggs place. It's so silly, but I love the spelling of the restaurant name. It was the real reason that I wanted to step inside. Only to find the food was pretty good. I really enjoyed it. Oh, and I finally got to wear my new hat! The weather's been great: cool and crisp. Though sadness creeped out this afternoon when we took the dogs for a walk this afternoon and saw a dog tied to a tree sitting under a small sign with the words LOST DOG? painted in white. It broke my heart. He looked so confused, but was really friendly. I'm sure he's got a home somewhere. I want to help him find it, so I posted a link on craigslist. No one's called yet for him, but someone did call wanting to take him if no one claims him. Though I can't imagine being lost and instead of going home, going to some strange place feeling so scared and unsettled. Whisper something to his person...somehow send them my way so the dog can feel safe again and just...not lost.

-Tiff

Dear Dad,
Shoot tomorrow...and I feel pretty calm about the whole thing. Hopefully the calmness is coming from a sense of complete organization and not from the pit of forgotten items. We always talked lots about what I do for work...a small silver lining in all of this lives in the fact that you now get to see and be there first hand. Wish me luck, and any help in keeping things running smoothly will be warmly accepted :-)

-Tiff

Dear Dad,
Just wanted to send a quick note to say thank you for the pistachios today. It was great to find them when and where I did. I know that was you saying hi...there is no question in my mind. First time since you've been gone that I felt and just knew you were there -I don't think I'll ever forget it.

-Tiff

Dear Dad,
Such a busy day today. Though in the end it all seemed to work out...we'll see if today's triumphs stick tomorrow. I was looking forward to hanging out with some friends tomorrow after work, but I don't know if it's going to work out to allow me to go. Mom is back into the swing of just doing so much. She's going back to school, after she picks up Lexi and comes home, to be the childcare for those needing it while attending a PTA meeting. All of her running around makes me feel bad for having her go and pick up Lexi. I was thinking it would be a good idea having her pick her up most days, because she really wanted to see her...I know she's been missing her since she's been at her new school, but I didn't mean to add additional chaos. I've been watching The Shining on TV tonight. Though it always messes with my head. But I can't not watch...I hope I can sleep.

-Tiff

Dear Dad,
I feel like we've got to catch up...it's been a few days, but there's not much to update. Last week hit ferocious right between the eyes and I decided to go out with some friends from Push on Friday night. I know I was quiet but I did have a good time. It was good to be out with them. I don't think they realize what they mean to me. I know I've got my more "serious" friends, but for the most part they're there every day. There are a handful of things this past year that they're responsible for getting me through, though I'm sure not one of them is aware. Eric and I went to Junior's for brunch this morning. I forgot how great that bacon, egg and cheese burger was the last time I had it...that was a fun morning. We discovered this new breakfast haven with Linda before buying a prop for work. I wish I could have taken you for breakfast there, before you started feeling bad. You would have loved it. It reminds me of the simple life that I know you hold close to your heart and honestly is part of who you are. I envy that you know what that simple, 50esque sort of life is. I can only see this in movies and books, and I know you actually lived it...just like on TV. I guess we could still have a Junior's breakfast together. Next time I go, I'll make sure you know we're going. Hopefully you can make a quick stop in.

-Tiff

Dear Dad,
Days recently have been rocky and honestly, without a tangible reason. I just feel so out of sync and very alone with myself. There's a missing piece, though I know the empty hole lies within me. I've actually been avoiding writing for a couple of days because I'd have to think about it and what's wrong, forcing my fingers down the pocket walls of me in an effort to somehow try to process at least a portion of it. The truth is that I really don't want to deal with it. I'm out of touch with most everything and everyone because I'm not participating in life in general lately, therefore there's no real exchange with others. I was reading a lot a few months before you left and remember from one of the books, the idea of participating...in life and with people. I have tried to fake it a little and the conversations that I really don't want to be having but am blindly talking through anyway. However, I know they come off as nothing more than numb because there's no real and honest energy behind them. You know it sort of hurts my heart, but I can talk to you so much more freely in these letters than I was ever able to while you where here. Maybe because there's the doubt sprinkling part of me that says that says they're just private ideas and that you're not really seeing them or know of their existance. Yet another, tells me that you're aware of every word. I just wish that you could tell me what to do...if there's any guidance that you can give me from where you are are, the believer in me...of you, is listening.

-Tiff

Dear Dad,
James and Eric cleaned out the garage today. We were able to bring over our couches and put them in there, so now Lexi has a play room/area. And I can actually do laundry and fold it out there now. It feels good to have things cleaned up. Though I guess it stressed out Mom, which really wasn't the intention. Quite the opposite, actually. They found a snake behind one of the cabinets when cleaning things out, and Eric lifted up the cabinet and James cut the snake in pieces with an axe. Not too long after that Lexi and her friends had a funeral and burial for it. Ugh...I'm feeling worse than I can remember in a long time...I think I ate some bad pork. I was the only one who had any pork...fortunately for everyone else it was too spicy! Hope I feel better soon; I really can't afford to miss work days this early in the year.

-Tiff

Dear Dad,
We went to go take a look at your headstone today. It's the first time I've been back since we buried you. I don't know honestly that I'll be by too often. I just feel so much that you're not really there and that stopping by there is really more for us. This...these letters are my real time with you. Lexi left you a message written in the sand. I hope grass covers it soon. Not the message, but the sand. Though I realize no sand...no written message, obviously. We've been told it will. It still looks so fresh with the sand like that. Though it was easier for my heart than I was expecting, being there...I was surprised. I'm going to attribute that to the fact that you've held onto my box. I'm so attached to it, because I never really gave it away to you...at least in person, in the physical form. I've got to find a way to let that go. You know and I know what we need to. We also stopped by, and Mom left some flowers for, Granny and Poppy. Though we noticed that they never added a death date to Poppy's headstone. I got some great pictures of Eric and Lexi on the way back. It was a much lighter car ride home than expected. Mom laughed at a joke tonight that Eric made about his butt feeling like leather because Lexi was blowing smoke up it...just really funny that she thought it was funny. Miss you.

-Tiff

Dear Dad,
I finished my Nikki Sixx book and have moved on to the Big Russ book. So far so good. I can see why you related to the book so well...there is definitely a bit of an essence of your voice in the pages. I'm not going to make any resolutions for the new year; it's just too much pressure. I've decided I'm going to just be who I'm going to be. As usual it was for the most part a quiet day. The exciting thing for the day was my new hat purchase at Target. I can't wait to wear it out.

-Tiff