Dear Dad,
Another year down and the next on the way. It's been a year full of big changes for me....a wedding (I'm so thankful you were there), your departure and a move back home with Mom. I'll be happy to get out of the fast lane of life soon...if that's what's in store for me. I'm never wanting to be sitting in traffic or behind something slow moving, but it would be nice to go at a speed where I have time to view and enjoy the scenery while going fast enough to keep my mind interested in what I'm experiencing. I've got lots of things that I hope to do better in the new year, but overall I just hope everything is better. Not that this year was bad, but I really believe that I could always be better and do better...so that's my hope and wish for the new year. Blehh...it's New Year's Eve...just before lunch and I still don't know what I'm going to be doing for the evening -probably hanging out with Eric and Mom, which isn't a bad thing. Going out on New Year's is always such a waste. I've of course got to buy a new sparkly outfit (that I'm sure would not go with my new Uggs...those are the only shoes lately that I really want on my feet -I love them!) and once out for the evening everything always costs so much more. And for what...I never have any more fun going out on New Year's than any other night. I'm thinking about going to the store and getting some great food to grill outside and some wood for the fire pit. It's supposed to be a little cold tonight so it would be a good night for a backyard fire. I really hope that you come by for a little, if you can. I know it sounds sounds really ridiculous, but I really wish we would have made some sort of pact that we'd have some kind of sign when you're around. I guess that's a little lazy though. Best wishes for the New Year Dad!

-Tiff

Dear Dad,
I started reading a new book today...though it's not your book, that Mom gave me for Christmas. I hope that's okay. Eric and I were going a little stir-crazy today and needed to get out of the house for a little bit, so we found ourselves at Barnes and Noble...even though I HATE Waterford. I found a Nikki Sixx memoir sort of book and started reading it while we were there. I have to finish one before I start another...I hope you don't mind. I have to tell you, I thought I heard you call my name today while I was hanging up laundry. It scared me. But then I realized that it was just the tone and or pitch of some music that was on television that had some similarities to your voice. I'm worried about Mom. I'll be happy when she goes back to school after the holidays.

-Tiff

Dear Dad,
Most days lately have been super busy. Christmas Eve at James and Daniela's house was great...the food was even better! The night started off kind of chaotic though. Eric's tires got slashed while doing some last minute shopping, we got half way to James's house and I realized that I forgot my wedding ring (I made us all go back to get it) and then half way to James's house (for the second time) I realized that I thought I left my hair straightener on. I went back home again to make sure, after I dropped off Mom and Eric. James was really proud because he did really well at picking out the gifts for the kids. I even had to admit that they were all a win. I watched him while holding his nephew on his knee for a quick moment before he caught me...he's going to be a great dad.

Christmas day was my favorite, as always. Nothing will ever beat it. Lexi got so many gifts and James and Daniela even came over for breakfast and to see Lexi open everything. We got Mom to play wii and even got pictures of it! It was a great morning. We went to Eric's parent's house for the afternoon and Mom came with us, but I think she was ready to go long before we actually left. Not because anything was wrong...it was just a long day for her. I hope Christmas was okay for her. She bought James and me your book that you were reading...that Big Russ book. I'm excited to read it. I left your copy in one of the boxes for you with all of your other stuff that you saved. Honestly that stuff is priceless. Everything was really busy and loud but there was an even louder sense of quiet and I was surprised to not feel that you were here. I'm sure you were, but I don't have a moment where I am able to say that I just knew you were there at that point. That was my one regret of the day. I'm sure I wasn't listening intently enough for you and it's a very big difference from you physically being here. I'm still getting used to communicating in a different way. I wish you were here. Merry Christmas, Dad.

-Tiff

Dear Dad,
Days have been so crazy lately....I realize I've been a little absent. We went to pick out your headstone yesterday and I think what we chose collectively will turn out really nicely. James and I wanted a different headstone, that we thought was more you, but didn't want to step on Mom's or Granny Harp's toes. I'm sure it will look really beautiful and was proud of Mom because towards the end she took the lead of designing the artwork for the front and the flower holders....big step for her. Eric, Lexi and I had to leave a little early because Lexi had a performance to get to for Chorus. Mom and James stopped by the cemetery on their way home and said that my box that I made you was still there and the memory hearts were still in there...looked like they had been unweathered and untouched. Thanks for hanging onto them. I'm sorry there wasn't time to give them to you in person. I bought you an airplane ornament the other day. I thought of you as soon as I saw it. It's really nice..kind of heavy, all stainless steal. I put it on the front of the Christmas tree up much higher then than your childhood ornament, also on the very front of the tree. Lexi is just so smart and wise beyond her years. She told Mom, while we were working on getting the artwork decided on your headstone..."Grandma, when it's your turn to go, can you ask God to send me some sort of sign to let me know that you're okay?"

Granny Harp and Phyllis saw your full moon. They said that it was the most beautiful moon they'd ever seen and just SO bright...though I know you already know.

-Tiff

Dear Dad,
I talked with James today and he and Daniela are expecting a baby Harp! It's a very early part of the whole thing for them, but I'm sure everything will work out. James is so exited! Just after coming down from the high of emotion, I thought and wanted to say but didn't..."But Dad's not here; he's going to miss it. God...I'm so sorry..." I realized you and this child won't know each other until much later. James will never be able to look you in the eye with the complete understanding that comes from a child, only after having their own children -I never knew one quick moment and unspoken exchange could be filled with so much understanding, I'm sorrys and forgiveness. This is one of those times that reminds me that I'm a little angry that you're not here. Not mad at you but mad at the spiritual order of things, to which I'm just not privy or able to understand. I'm mad for you and James and that you both are being robbed of experiencing the father/son things that go along with this event that I as a daughter would never even know were missing. I can't imagine you not knowing Lexi. I would give up two of my days if it would give you one day of knowing this experience.

-Tiff

Dear Dad,
I'm excited to report that Lexi did very well on her spelling test last week. It's been a little rough on her this year. It's been the first year that she's actually had to try and rightfully so...the work she brings home is pretty challenging. Though I'm not sure if the improvement jump was because she studied harder or was just a little luckier this week. Either way I'm very proud. I had her hang it on the refrigerator so that you could see it and so she'd know I was excited for her merit. Carol came yesterday to visit Mom and is staying a couple of days. I don't know if it's because being with her sister reminds her of growing up and younger days, but she's been acting very childlike...in a good and sort of playful way. We all played Apples to Apples after dinner with Lexi tonight and she actually played. Played in the sense that her being was playing. She made jokes and was outwardly unhappy when her card wasn't picked...excited when it was. There was a person with depth there that I haven't seen in a while....even way before you left. She kept turning the outside porch light on and off on Eric while peaking though the blinds to laugh at him. I just wish you could have been here in a way to react to it with us. It was really great.

-Tiff

Dear Dad,
It's Eric's birthday today. Mom took Lexi to the grocery store to pick out a cake for him on their way home from school. As usual, she hit a home run with the cake she chose for him. I think they have much of the same taste and that she really just picks out cakes that she would like. I was really excited about the card that I found...though I know cards are not exciting to boys. It was my first "husband" card that I got to give him. Funny thing is...I was fighting the marriage thing so hard, but standing in Hallmark sifting through greeting cards, underneath the HUSBAND sign I actually felt good. I was really proud to be able to have such a wonderful reason to stand in that spot. I really think I picked the right boy for me. Mixed in with all the things I've done that seemed so wrong (not far after walking past the decision), are Lexi and Eric: two things that were and are right; they just fit. I know you knew that I'd eventually find my way. I'm just so very happy that I was able to share them with you.

-Tiff

Dear Dad,
Big moving day today...well bigger moving day than any other. We've just been bringing things over here and there. Lexi's room is pretty much set up and Eric and I have our bed here. Oh and my bookshelf with my books is here too. Eric really is pretty good to me. I realize a bookshelf wasn't really worthy of being on the furniture priority list. James has really been helping out a bunch. I need to find a nice gift for him as a thank you. The patio is cleaned up and looks really nice. I'm excited to have that space outside, especially since the weather is so nice this time of year. I'm a little worried about Mom. She's been sleeping a lot, though I don't want to push too hard and realize that everyone works things out in their own ways. I think things are going to be okay though. I mean I know they have to be; there is nothing else. I still just feel guilty thinking it and for the moments when my heart is content or even happy with thoughts of the future because I know they'll never completely include you -at least in the way that you've been there before.

-Tiff

Dear Dad,
It was somewhat of an eventful day. I took Mom to get her hair cut and Chris and Bob Lipperant came to take her to lunch. I saw a little excitement in her about it all. Not the haircut, but Chris stopping by for a visit. I think her new haircut looks really nice, though I know she doesn't really like it. James and Eric had to fire the contractor. Once Eric gets going he really loves pissing people off. It makes me a little nervous knowing that others' misery makes for Eric's happiness. We also went to get the Christmas tree tonight. It's bigger than it probably needed to be but I like it anyway. I put your ornament right in the front of the tree. I always did really like to put that one on. And I hung your car ornament that I bought you last year. I remember how angry I was getting your email requesting it because I thought you were giving up.
_______________________________________________

From: dolphus.harp@ocps.net
Subject:
Date: December 20, 2007 10:49:43 PM EST
To: harpjames35@gmail.com, tcorrea@pushhere.com, linda.harp@ocps.net
On Dec 20, 2007, at 10:49 PM, Harp, Dolphus wrote:

If you are still thinking of a Christmas present for me I have a great idea. If you will give or buy your most loved ornament and have it engraved (from , to , date) It will mean more than any thing else.

Someday in the future those will become collectors items. Maybe it will bring thoughts of good times These events are not to dwell on the difficult but instead to leave a legacy because most likely I will be be the first of all of us to go

About the only thing going is prayer. i pray all the time "Oh GOD__________" I leave the blank. God can fill it in
I can't say this in person because I only cry, so I'll use email while I cry.


Dad

________________________________________________
Really it was only to help us. I did give you an ornament that had some thought put behind it. I always think of you when I see an antique car and hear your voice calling it an "old timey car". I just wish I would have had something that meant a whole lot to both of us and been able to have that engraved. I just never thought I'd be reaping the benefits of the gesture so soon.

-Tiff

Dear Dad,
I realized today on my shoot, that I didn't write yesterday. Instead I fell asleep on the couch after Eric made me dinner. It looks like Caylee Anthony was found...And right across the street from Mom's school! I felt sort of close to you tonight as we were watching that lady on the news channel with the show dedicated to Caylee. I know you would watch that most nights. It made me feel a little guilty for giving your chair away. That spot of the the living room felt a little colder tonight. I hope you saw Lexi's school program tonight. She did such an amazing job!

-Tiff

Dear Dad,
Not too much of a crazy day today...even for day one of a 3-day shoot. I ate too many cannoli because of the shoot and the shoot left overs and my stomach hurts a little. Wish me luck for tomorrow...and if you can do anything about the rain that is supposed to happen on Thursday I would be so very grateful :-) We're supposed be shooting outside.

-Tiff

Dear Dad,
I was thinking about things while driving around purchasing items for my shoot this week and my heart just felt so heavy; I'm sure it would have lost a few tears if it could. I'm taking Mom to get a hair cut and maybe some coloring on Saturday. James and I thought she should get her hair done before the holidays and she's meeting Daniela's parents for the first time on Christmas Eve. I got really sad because you're not here and I feel like we're moving on so fast without you here. I want you to be here for all of this and am afraid that your feelings will be hurt in watching us. Okay, I'm not afraid that your feelings will be hurt, because I don't think you feel those sort of things where you are...but I guess my feelings are hurt. And then I get a little angry at myself for making it about me, when it really isn't about me at all. I don't want to move on yet...I'm not ready. I feel guilty for happy moments if they last too long. I know we were never the shiny happy family, but I miss you.

-Tiff

Dear Dad,
I didn't really feel like getting out of bed today. I actually went back to bed around lunch time for a little bit. I feel sad, but without a reason really. I just didn't want to go anywhere or do anything. I should have gotten lots done for work and my photoshoot next week. But I didn't. We finished painting the room for Lexi though. I think it looks really nice. It's a darker blue that what I was expecting. But I like it so much better; it's a very girly blue. Lexi seems to like it. I just finished the trim a couple of minutes ago after picking and picking at the intersection of the blue wall and white trim. I could spend months and still not have it perfect, but I finally threw in the towel and decided that it was pretty close to perfect...close enough. I'm worried about Christmas for Lexi and if I'm going to have enough gifts for her. You know I like to have an overflowing amount of gifts under the tree. And I'm worried about how it's going to be this year without you and if I'm going to be okay. I've been thinking about adding an ornament to your tree outside...maybe adding one every year. I don't know...I haven't decided yet. James wants us to spend Christmas Eve with Daniela's family. I know you and Mom haven't met her parents yet and I think he will be happy for Mom to meet her family. It makes me feel really fortunate that you met Eric's parents...even if you guys didn't talk that much or spend very much time together. It would feel empty introducing only one of you to the other part of my family that I'm looking forward to spending my life with.

-Tiff

Dear Dad,
I actually had a really nice night tonight. I went to a friend's house for dinner to celebrate a birthday, even though prior to leaving I would have rather just stayed at home. And there was a moment that I was completely aware and honestly living in the moment. I was so very grateful and thankful to be living in that moment and hanging out with friends. It wasn't just a moment that I thought of "after" the fact or as I was telling a funny story about 'that one time'. I was able to take a full breath into my lungs and it felt good. I haven't been able to do that in a while; my chest is always so tight. And Eric's been really great. He spent the evening painting Lexi's room...well your room. I hope you like what we did and are okay with everything. I'm hoping to give Lexi some space in her own room and start getting settled in. I'm not going to lie though...I already miss being downtown. I feel different, though I don't know if it's really just not living downtown or everything that's going on. But I'm going to miss my house. Though I'm gaining some other really great things that in the long-run are far more important. Eric and James are hanging out a lot. I think it's a good thing for both of them -specifically Eric. Things are all coming together and will all work out well I'm sure.

-Tiff

Dear Dad,
I missed my letter yesterday. I was so tired after this week, I feel asleep on the couch. I'm thankful things are so busy though...many people right now are not. There's lots still left to do for the holidays. I'm going to hopefully get lots done this weekend. We cleaned out your office room for Lexi. She wants to paint it blue. I'm really hoping that's okay. I really think you'll like it when it's done.

-Tiff

Dear Dad,
Blehh...what a long day today. Got home pretty late. No shenanigans or prank calling mom tonight. We'll have to wait a little bit so she forgets -and then try again. It's just so funny...I really almost peed in my pants the first time James did it! She's perfect for it and almost eegs it on. I thought of you today, talking about Lexi and her Fashion Designing with a co-worker while boarding up some creative. I was explaining that I encourage her to be interested in it, but at the same time my heart is scared for her. It's such a cut-throat industry and I worry about her making it. I'm sure it was the same way hearing that I didn't want to go down a "business" career-path and that I wanted to do something artsy. I do understand...God I can't believe I'm saying it, but I do. Though I think I'd worry for her regardless of what field she was in. And then after all of this circling I think...and why am I worrying about this now...she's nine?? Over-all today was good...busy; which you know is a good thing.

-Tiff

Dear Dad,
Today was rough. I'm not sure if it was because I'm still very aware that you're not physically here or if I was just overwhelmed by the day's happenings. My day started with my landlord calling about showing the house even though I told Eric to call and make sure she wasn't going to show it yet or that she was even going to come and look at the house right now. Sheesh...I feel like so much is changing around me. This started the tightness in my chest and it progressed throughout the day. Though I did hear your voice telling me to give Eric a chance...that he's been doing a lot. And you're right. I also heard you saying to take everything one thing at time...break everything down into smaller pieces; it's easier to see what you've got and will allow you to map out a plan. That was always your advice for me when I was overwhelmed -specifically at that crazy rat place where I was working when I first moved back to Orlando. I left quite a bit of work waiting for me in the am, but I had just had enough for the day and had to take off. I feel better though in the calmness of being home. And it's hard to be stressed out with Lola-Bacon laying her head in my lap :-)

-Tiff

Dear Dad,
Yesterday was really quiet in the morning. I should have gotten up early and started on my day...but I just couldn't. Though once I finally got out and got back from packing the house downtown, mom was still in bed but had gotten up and turned the TV on in the living room to some music channel just for some noise. Work today seemed like it went on for longer than normal -not unlike any first day back in the office after being out for a few days. The evening was good for my heart though...we had fun. Mom actually laughed for a couple of minutes...and pretty hard. Miss you.

-Tiff