Dear Dad,
The ADDY Award show was this weekend. I ran into some old friends from years ago and caught up a little...good times. I felt like an outsider, and just un-noticed...I've been feeling that way most of the time lately. I'm sure it's my doing or in my own mind. I just feel really lonely. I'm sure it has a large part to do with how much I work. I mean other than work, I'm not really contributing to much else or anyone else. I'm hopefully getting some new camera equipment soon. I'm more than excited about it and hopefully I'll start shooting again.
Your tree is looking really wonderful with all of the yellow flowers. There so many more flower buds that have yet opened...I can't wait until the entire tree is yellow.
-Tiff
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Dear Dad,
I saw the flowers on your tree this morning. They're so beautiful...fitting that they appeared on Valentine's Day. It was a Valentines' Day surprise that I actually appreciated...more than appreciated. Usually I stay away from flowers and Valentine's Day. I had lunch and went shopping with some friends today; actually for the entire afternoon. It was a pretty nice day. I'm taking back everything that I bought. I never really look at things when trying them on in the stores...or they must just look different when I get home. I take back about half of everything I purchase. Store retailers hate me. Even still, it was time well spent. Anyhoo, happy Valentine's Day to you too.
-Tiff
I saw the flowers on your tree this morning. They're so beautiful...fitting that they appeared on Valentine's Day. It was a Valentines' Day surprise that I actually appreciated...more than appreciated. Usually I stay away from flowers and Valentine's Day. I had lunch and went shopping with some friends today; actually for the entire afternoon. It was a pretty nice day. I'm taking back everything that I bought. I never really look at things when trying them on in the stores...or they must just look different when I get home. I take back about half of everything I purchase. Store retailers hate me. Even still, it was time well spent. Anyhoo, happy Valentine's Day to you too.
-Tiff
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Dear Dad,
I wonder really, how many good days I write to you about. You know, I operate and just keep going with the silent understanding that everyone just knows that I'm putting in more than my fair share of effort. Not that most, if not everyone else is not. I'm not expecting any sort of outward gesture to award my merit. However, it's such a slap in the face to know that the silence had nothing to do with any sort of understanding. In fact nothing was understood or noticed. I didn't feel that I needed to broadcast any of my efforts. The realization that I need to be loud in order to gain even an unspoken acknowledgment or just to not be excluded from the club of those giving something of themselves just hurt...today hurt. Followed by the hurt of today was a delicately placed cherry on the top of my crappy day in the form of Eric and I ending our night on very low note. I just hope tomorrow is brighter.
-Tiff
I wonder really, how many good days I write to you about. You know, I operate and just keep going with the silent understanding that everyone just knows that I'm putting in more than my fair share of effort. Not that most, if not everyone else is not. I'm not expecting any sort of outward gesture to award my merit. However, it's such a slap in the face to know that the silence had nothing to do with any sort of understanding. In fact nothing was understood or noticed. I didn't feel that I needed to broadcast any of my efforts. The realization that I need to be loud in order to gain even an unspoken acknowledgment or just to not be excluded from the club of those giving something of themselves just hurt...today hurt. Followed by the hurt of today was a delicately placed cherry on the top of my crappy day in the form of Eric and I ending our night on very low note. I just hope tomorrow is brighter.
-Tiff
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Dear Dad,
We all went to Chris and Cindy's house for dinner over the weekend. It was much better than I thought it would be. Not that I was expecting anything to be bad...it was just a better time than expected. We talked a lot about family and how things were or used to be. I listened a lot. I also have a whole new understanding of you and the leaps that you took from where you were. You and I know and understand the depths of that. I will say that if each generation of parents learn and accept, to some degree, a little more than the last I really believe that we're all in a good place. I just appreciate your efforts more than I have before...though I realize the timing is very late.
I was in way over my head at work today...okay maybe not way, but in over my head. It all worked out though I believe. I was uncomfortable and scared. But I walked through it anyway and made it through...feel a little accomplished even.
-Tiff
We all went to Chris and Cindy's house for dinner over the weekend. It was much better than I thought it would be. Not that I was expecting anything to be bad...it was just a better time than expected. We talked a lot about family and how things were or used to be. I listened a lot. I also have a whole new understanding of you and the leaps that you took from where you were. You and I know and understand the depths of that. I will say that if each generation of parents learn and accept, to some degree, a little more than the last I really believe that we're all in a good place. I just appreciate your efforts more than I have before...though I realize the timing is very late.
I was in way over my head at work today...okay maybe not way, but in over my head. It all worked out though I believe. I was uncomfortable and scared. But I walked through it anyway and made it through...feel a little accomplished even.
-Tiff
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Dear Dad,
Stressful afternoon and evening today. James is doing such a great job of keeping the "business" stuff together for Mom, but he's getting tired. I realize that it's a tough task and blending it into keeping his own stuff together only elevates the level of difficulty. I'm so far removed from it and don't know how to even poke my pinky toe in to help or really make any sense of it. My role is a little different and not as saturated. My part has become more of a quiet constant, everyday, if that makes any sense. I feel a little guilty, because he deals with the tough and not-fun stuff. Mom doesn't like dealing with the not-fun stuff either and doesn't always make it easy. He's doing his best to do what you would do/want him to do and I know he's afraid that he's not succeeding. Though he can't base his level of success on the amount of change in Mom. I learned a long time ago that you can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped/fixed and you can't control anyone except for yourself. I don't think that Mom feels that anything is broken. At some point you've got to just set the help down until everyone is ready for it. It's hard when it's family though and just setting "it" down only to wash your hands isn't always the right thing do in every case. Now that I've just walked in a circle...I just hope they can find a point of happiness somewhere in the middle, and that James can hear your voice giving him the credit of success that he deserves.
It's been really cold and I worry about your tree. I'm sure Eric and I looked like fools last night trying to cover the tree with a couple of different sheets. I'm sure you had a laugh at the site of us out on the front lawn standing on stools with sheets flying in our hands like flags and landing everywhere but over the tree. In the end we settled for keeping the base of the tree trunk warm and just wrapped some blankets around the roots and bottom of the tree. I worry sometimes about what I "can" say here knowing that I'm putting myself on a stage of sorts and that all of this is available for viewing (by others, besides just you and me) as I'm experiencing all of this. I have to remember that it's all part of the project. I can edit things later, should I decide, though I realize the more true thing to do would be to leave everything just as it is. And it just might help me learn how to not always care so much about what everyone else thinks...I just hope everyone that touches aspects of my life is okay being a little part of the project as well.
-Tiff
Stressful afternoon and evening today. James is doing such a great job of keeping the "business" stuff together for Mom, but he's getting tired. I realize that it's a tough task and blending it into keeping his own stuff together only elevates the level of difficulty. I'm so far removed from it and don't know how to even poke my pinky toe in to help or really make any sense of it. My role is a little different and not as saturated. My part has become more of a quiet constant, everyday, if that makes any sense. I feel a little guilty, because he deals with the tough and not-fun stuff. Mom doesn't like dealing with the not-fun stuff either and doesn't always make it easy. He's doing his best to do what you would do/want him to do and I know he's afraid that he's not succeeding. Though he can't base his level of success on the amount of change in Mom. I learned a long time ago that you can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped/fixed and you can't control anyone except for yourself. I don't think that Mom feels that anything is broken. At some point you've got to just set the help down until everyone is ready for it. It's hard when it's family though and just setting "it" down only to wash your hands isn't always the right thing do in every case. Now that I've just walked in a circle...I just hope they can find a point of happiness somewhere in the middle, and that James can hear your voice giving him the credit of success that he deserves.
It's been really cold and I worry about your tree. I'm sure Eric and I looked like fools last night trying to cover the tree with a couple of different sheets. I'm sure you had a laugh at the site of us out on the front lawn standing on stools with sheets flying in our hands like flags and landing everywhere but over the tree. In the end we settled for keeping the base of the tree trunk warm and just wrapped some blankets around the roots and bottom of the tree. I worry sometimes about what I "can" say here knowing that I'm putting myself on a stage of sorts and that all of this is available for viewing (by others, besides just you and me) as I'm experiencing all of this. I have to remember that it's all part of the project. I can edit things later, should I decide, though I realize the more true thing to do would be to leave everything just as it is. And it just might help me learn how to not always care so much about what everyone else thinks...I just hope everyone that touches aspects of my life is okay being a little part of the project as well.
-Tiff
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Dear Dad,
It's been a long time...too long. Sorry for the absence...again. I feel as time speeds by so quickly. There doesn't seem to be enough time for most things. Last week was a rough week at work...I lost Linda. It was quiet but also loud with nervousness after I knew she was gone. A couple of the girls went to dinner with her and I wanted to go, but was working and wanted to give them their time. I could have not been working though. I could have left. I felt like I'd be an outsider and wanted to give Linda a true sounding board and I thought if I was there it might not have been as true..thinking back on it now I realize I should have gone. If I was an outsider it would have been worth it. It might have been a way for me to be there on a small scale, as she's been there for me when I needed it...and sprung my neediness on her when she was least expecting it. She'll be fine...I'll be fine. I guess I just know that it's probably not likely that in two years we'll still even know how to get in contact with each other; more because of me and my incapability to keep in contact with people that I don't see on a daily basis. (I know it's not fair that I force all my friends to put in so much extra effort into our relationships.) That makes me sad...though I hope I'm really wrong about this. Things are busy at work though and I keep telling myself that with the way of today, not enough time to fit in everything needed is better than seeking a string of tasks to fill the day. On top of it I'm pretty busy with photoshoot work, which is always a good thing. Though outside of work everything else seems to be falling apart...not really falling apart but all else seems neglected. Mom got a new car. James helped her pick something out and it's really nice. It's way more than I'm sure she was expecting. She's going to have to learn all of the new technology that's included with it in pieces. It's too much for her all at once! James and I talking to her about taking better care of herself. I'm really hoping she'll decide to have her knee replacement done before summer starts and that she's on the road to being healthier...before Baby Harp gets here.
-Tiff
It's been a long time...too long. Sorry for the absence...again. I feel as time speeds by so quickly. There doesn't seem to be enough time for most things. Last week was a rough week at work...I lost Linda. It was quiet but also loud with nervousness after I knew she was gone. A couple of the girls went to dinner with her and I wanted to go, but was working and wanted to give them their time. I could have not been working though. I could have left. I felt like I'd be an outsider and wanted to give Linda a true sounding board and I thought if I was there it might not have been as true..thinking back on it now I realize I should have gone. If I was an outsider it would have been worth it. It might have been a way for me to be there on a small scale, as she's been there for me when I needed it...and sprung my neediness on her when she was least expecting it. She'll be fine...I'll be fine. I guess I just know that it's probably not likely that in two years we'll still even know how to get in contact with each other; more because of me and my incapability to keep in contact with people that I don't see on a daily basis. (I know it's not fair that I force all my friends to put in so much extra effort into our relationships.) That makes me sad...though I hope I'm really wrong about this. Things are busy at work though and I keep telling myself that with the way of today, not enough time to fit in everything needed is better than seeking a string of tasks to fill the day. On top of it I'm pretty busy with photoshoot work, which is always a good thing. Though outside of work everything else seems to be falling apart...not really falling apart but all else seems neglected. Mom got a new car. James helped her pick something out and it's really nice. It's way more than I'm sure she was expecting. She's going to have to learn all of the new technology that's included with it in pieces. It's too much for her all at once! James and I talking to her about taking better care of herself. I'm really hoping she'll decide to have her knee replacement done before summer starts and that she's on the road to being healthier...before Baby Harp gets here.
-Tiff
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