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Dear Dad,
Went to Daniela's and James' baby shower yesterday. It was a wonderful party and just really a lot of fun. Chris and Cindy came; it was nice seeing them. I think James is getting really excited. After leaving the baby shower instead of going home and relaxing, he opened everything and put things together that were in pieces. And he keeps saying that he thinks the baby is going to come early. I think he's hoping the baby will be be here early, because he's excited for him to be here. Mom called Granny Harp to tell her about the gifts that I bought for them with the money she sent and she said that my basket I left you had finally deteriorated and that someone finally removed it. I knew it wouldn't stay together for very long. I think I may get another one that's a little more substantial...though I'm not sure now what I would put into it. I was just nice knowing it was there and if I wanted to leave something with you that I could and it would be inside of something, instead of just leaving it sitting out in the open next to your headstone. It kind of felt like we were sharing something, just the two of us.

-Tiff

Dear Dad,
My birthday...really my birthday week was wonderful. I ate more in Atlanta than I should have eaten in a week! Everything was just so good. I was pretty unhappy with my Bench Monday shot though. It felt sort of rushed...I guess it was. I like having quiet time for those things and tried getting up and shooting it while Eric was getting ready. However my initial thoughts were no good on film. I didn't bother shooting a Bench Monday for the following week, once I got to New York. My mind was too busy for me to concept a good idea clearly. I realized that I missed New York more than I've got words to describe. I just felt so in sync with everything. I don't know if it was because I was on vacation or if it was truly the harmonizing of the city with my being. I'm honestly going with the latter. I walked down 42nd street as the sun was rising and I've don't ever remember feeling so empowered. As I was being sprinkled in a slow crescendo of orange light (this is absolutely my favorite light of the day and even beats the most beautiful of sunsets) I thought to myself, "I can do this...this city. I'm ready again." I realize now that me moving there years ago was a tough thing to allow. You did. And didn't let on to how that might have made you feel. I can't say that I know what that did to you, as I haven't walked through it, but based on my feelings with Lexi I have an idea. The most amazing thing is that I went...and knew nothing of the difference in you. I'm at lunch right now, sitting at my desk and am having such a hard time not being in New York. I really want to be there, but know that right now I can't, and really maybe never. I think mom needs me more right now than I need the city and hope Eric is okay with that...at least for now. I miss you dad. Good things are on the horizon...I just know it and I just wish you were here.

-Tiff

Dear Dad,
Lexi brought back a cough from camp and has officially handed it off to me. It could be worse though...I'm not feeling too awful, but the cough is very annoying. I'm excited about our week vacation to see Paula in Atlanta and Linda in NY. And of course seeing Lexi after the three weeks. Though I'm afraid of our travel back. We booked our tickets on a discount airline and I've heard awful things...of course after we purchased the tickets. I hope all will be okay and there won't be too many delays. I hope Mom will be okay while we're gone...it's a full week. I know the house will be quiet.

-Tiff

Dear Dad,
Lexi is back from camp and every time she comes back, through all the stories she shares I'm able to see that the time away from her and every penny of the monetary cost are just so worth it. I really believe that her going helps her build a strong sense of self within her...not to mention she just gets to be a kid for a couple of weeks. There are so many times that I expet her to me so much of an adult or at least on the mature side of her age that she deserves to let it go for a little bit. She's off to NY tomorrow for three weeks. I will miss her dearly; it seems so long to be away from her. Though I'm really looking forward to our (me and Eric) vacation to go and pick her up. Eric and I are going to see Paula for a couple of days and then go to NY ourselves for a few days before picking her up to bring her back home. I get to see Paula...it's been WAY too long and Linda is going to be in NY when we are, so I'm pretty excited about the whole thing.

I also realized that I didn't write you on Father's Day. I just wasn't really sure what to write so I just didn't...though the day didn't pass without a thought of you. I thought of James too and how next year he'd have something really great to celebrate. I thought I should be going to the cemetery, but really I'm closer to you right where I am. Someone wished me a happy father's day and I wanted to tell them how stupid they were for quickly snapping me into a reality without you, when maybe for the moment prior that wasn't where my head was. However, I thought maybe they had nothing else to say and it was the first thing on their mind, and thus it was spilled. All of this on top of the fact that I thought it weird that someone was wishing me a Happy Father's Day, when clearly I don't have a beard and don't ever have a chance of being a father.

I just didn't want you to think that I forgot. I never do.

-Tiff

Dear Dad,
Things have just been so busy lately, but have slowed down a little in my head over the last couple of days. While looking for something in an old office of a friend of mine I found a copy of that paper handed out at your viewing and funeral. That slowed things down for me a little. I just knew it was your way of saying hi and reminding me that you're there. It was good to feel that.

We took Lexi to camp again this summer; this year for two weeks. Lexi was so excited because she got moved up to the next oldest cabin and was disappointed last year when that wasn't the case. I thought of you on the drive there when we stopped for lunch at a place that only takes cash or personal checks...you know those are the best places to eat. You would really like it there.

James and Daniella are getting near the baby's arrival. They went to get a 3D sonagram last weekend. It shows so much detail of the baby's face...really amazing. Mom is sleeping lots again and I wished she'd get up and out of the house more often. I was happy she came with us to take Lexi. She was debating it for a couple of days, but I'm sure she's happy that she ended up going in the end. Granny Harp seems to be doing well...much better than I was expecting. I hope you and Grandpa are well...I'm sure you are...

-Tiff

Dear Dad,
I took a different way home than normal today and thought of you. I passed by the the little store where we bought boiled peanuts before sitting along Orange Avenue to watch Lexi in her parade. It was a little early in the morning to be eating boiled peanuts, but they were good. That and they reminded me of being a kid because I was following suite and doing what you were doing. I remember you being fond of boiled peanuts...stopping off alongside the road sometimes. Today was a rough day. It was a downward spiral of unfortunate events. Tomorrow will be better.

-Tiff

Dear Dad,
I saw you yesterday. A grey-colored bird flying in the sky while I was driving. I knew instantly that it was you...and then I blinked and you were gone with no where to fly to or hide. I'm convinced that you read these. Every time I tell you that I didn't feel you were there, but knew you were, you stop by to say hi and make it very real...every time. I love you and miss you still.

-Tiff

Dear Dad,
Went to Grandpa's funeral today and even went back to Granny Harp's house this evening to hang out. It was good to see everyone and reminded me of Christmas as a kid. I left my casing that I was given from Grandpa's gun salute, in the box that I made you. Seeing your grave today made me miss you more than normal. The sand is covered with lush grass. I got bit by ants in-between my toes. I know you were there today. Again, I can't pinpoint a moment that I just knew you were there...but I know you were, and I still missed you terribly.

-Tiff

Dear Dad,
Went to the viewing for Grandpa this evening. Everyone said that Granny Harp had a better day today than she'd been having. I saw Julie and Steven and it was weird because of all the time that's passed since we've seen each other. I recognized Julie but I wouldn't have known who Steven was if I hadn't been introduced to him. Like you, Grandpa didn't look like himself. I didn't spend very much time near the casket. I hope the transition for Grandpa is going smoothly...I'm sure you did what you could to make it as easy as possible. It's got to be a humble experience to have your son welcome you to whatever it is after this life...usually it's a parent's job to making things easier. Though I'm sure things like that don't matter where you are. It's about so much more than I'll ever be able to understand here.

-Tiff

Dear Dad,
It rained this afternoon. I was wearing my dangerous shoes and had to walk through the water-filled parking lot in my bare feet because I was afraid that I was going slip in my shoes. I had my camera with me, that I was trying to shield from the weather and didn't want to take the chance of falling with it. If I were to fall in those shoes on wood or tiled floors, I'm sure I'd break my teeth. I started a new project today. It was born while I was driving around today...no radio, my head was loud enough today. I hope I follow through with this one.

-Tiff

Dear Dad,
I thought I saw your handwriting on a piece of paper in mom's hospital room last weekend. I thought nothing of it at first but was drawn to it, not long after I had noticed it. I picked up the paper and held it for a few minutes while my mind made sense of it all and remembered that you weren't here. These things happen every once in a while. I hear what I think is you calling or saying something to me and it always takes me a minute to remember that it's not as it used to be. I'm not dismissing what I'm hearing...just remembering that it's different. Mom is doing better than she was a few days ago. Though she was in rough shape a couple days back. My absence in letters does not mean that I have been absent in thought. Things have just been so busy and I haven't found much time to write. Every piece of me is tired though I was reminded to be very thankful for what I have, while catching up on an episode of Inside the Actor's Studio. (I can't get enough of this television series.) Michael J. Fox was talking about his book 'Lucky Man' which is based on a bunch of people that are asked to throw their most horrible problem into a big circle with the hopes of trading theirs for something better. At the end of it all everyone ends up wanting to take back their own that they initially thew in. Just the thought of it makes me very thankful...for everything.

-Tiff

Dear Dad,
Mom had her knee surgery today. Everything went very well, though I know she's in a lot of pain right now. I felt bad leaving her tonight. And the bathroom renovations have begin again...hopefully we'll have the bathrooms fixed like you wanted them to be months ago. Bobby misses mom, he's been very sad and mopey since I've been home and now that it's late and everyone is settling down he's getting restless.

-Tiff

Dear Dad,
I had the most amazing day today. Eric, Lola and I were headed to Mt. Dora to nose around and instead ended up at the Lake Eola Farmer's Market. The weather was lovely and we just did nothing but enjoy the day. Everything seemed so simple. It was the first time that I've really relaxed in a long time. I wished the day could have been longer.

-Tiff

Dear Dad,
Dre told me today that he may be moving back home to New York and it makes me feel scared and a little sad. Sad for Lexi, because I just can't go right now, and honestly with you not here I don't know that there will ever be a day that I could go. This means she'll be destined to have two parents in two very far away places. Sad for Dre, because he's been here a lot longer that I may have been if I were wearing his shoes and for how lonely he must feel with his family being so far away. I'm scared for what the future holds and what it means for everybody. I remember when I thought that this was going happen a while ago and told you that I was probably going to go too, because I didn't want Lexi to have parents in two separate places. We were on that crazy casino boat that we went on for my birthday. You loaned me money for gambling and when Eric and I actually left the boat with more than we had, you wouldn't even take back what you originally gave me. Anyway...you told me that Lexi would be okay, even if I didn't go and I know she will be fine still if I don't go. Though it wasn't your words that made me stay, I'm so very glad that it worked out that way. I can't imagine not being here for everything that has happened over the last year. Things will just be different and I guess that's what scares me. What scares me a lot is that at times like this, I'm reminded of how I've made such a mess of things...and exactly how many people are affected by it.

-Tiff

Dear Dad,
Mom, Lexi, Eric and I went to Cedar Key for the weekend to spend some time with Eric's parents and for the Art Festival. I felt bad for Mom, because I knew the walking was not making her legs feel very good and opted out of walking around very much because of it. Made me sad though, because there was a lot that I wanted to see and take pictures of. I got a couple good ones that don't really say Cedar Key, but I like them nonetheless. Eric took us by the landing strip and I thought of you...there were a couple cessna planes parked. The whole town actually makes me think of you. It's filled with everything that I remember you loving when things were happy and I was little. The pace is much slower and simpler -how you always liked it and eating oysters and seafood always is a reminder of you. I think we spent most of our bonding time over seafood, specifically oysters that I only ever ate to be like you and my favorite...messy newspaper filled tables full of crab and those mallets that I liked. Because it's an old fishing village there are of course, so much outdoor fishing and boating things to do. There are few times that I've felt more special than on our fishing trip days. I'll carry those with me until the day I die.

I think I may have sparked a great new project while Eric and I snuck away to have a couple of beers and some oysters in town on Saturday night. Though I'm not going to talk about it yet, because I seem lately to get excited about projects I think up and talk to people about them, only to be disappointed when I have trouble executing them. Lexi learned some card tricks with Eric's Dad while we were out having oysters that she was excited to try out on Eric. He fell right into Lexi's plan and was very upset about not being able to figure out how it worked...pretty funny to watch. I hope Mom had a good time...I can never really tell with her. Though I now on Sunday she was ready to come home. It was a tough day getting home. We all were not harmonizing and the ride back was much longer than when we were going. I'm still getting used to living here with Mom and I know she's getting used to us.

-Tiff

Dear Dad,
It was such a quiet weekend and it's ending horribly. I only left the house once this weekend...just laid around lots. Eric and I are now fighting, of course over something stupid. My feelings are hurt and he just wont let it go. I'll eventually get over it if we just don't keep discussing it every five minutes. My feelings are valid and I'm allowed to feel the way I do, as he is entitled to the same. Mom went to see Grandpa on Saturday. I feel bad that I didn't go. He's doing a little better though I'm not sure about Grandma. I'm actually looking forward to going to work tomorrow...things at home just aren't happy right now. I miss downtown and am worried about me and Eric.

-Tiff

Dear Dad,
I drove home in the most beautiful sunset sun today. I was helping someone take a photo before leaving work and when finished, I realized how late it was. The light made everything it touched bright orange and it reminded me of an afternoon in summer. When I got home I became very mad at mom, because she had changed the plans I had made for tomorrow even though I had everything all sorted out already. It's been very hard lately to keep track of what's going on with Lexi and her taking control of the day tomorrow didn't help me in gaining a grasp of the reins. I feel a little bad for being angry, but am still angry about it all. I realize it's sort of silly. I guess we both just need to give each other some space.

-Tiff

Dear Dad,
I wore your Squamish shirt on Saturday morning while I took some photos of a friend from work and her sister for a gift they're giving their stepmom. I was really scared that I wasn't going to be good enough, but did it anyway. I wore the shirt because it just made me feel better about what I was doing. I'm not sure yet what I think of the photos...they need some correcting for sure. Though I'm hoping they'll be okay. We went to see Grandpa in the afternoon. He didn't look very good, but was trying to be strong. I saw the same scared look in his eyes and the fear that his lips fought back that I saw when I would look at you, not very long before you left. It broke my heart. As I as was standing there I felt awful, because I just kept thinking that he and you were so much closer to James and that I didn't know what I could have done to make that any different. Then I felt bad for thinking those thoughts. I mean why does it matter? But I kept thinking it anyway. I always did feel so much different than everyone...it was just so hard to relate. Granny Harp is hurting too...she misses you more than she knows how to say.
It was also a rough weekend for Eric and I. I just felt like we were in rocky waters and just not able to get along for most of the weekend. I still don't have anything shot for my show and I'm starting to get worried. I guess I took some of that frustration out on Eric and he threw quite a bit of his frustration about his bike at me. Though in the end he got his bike and seems to be happy. I've realize that I need to get my butt in gear and it's no one's fault but my own that I stand where I do. We met in the middle and seem to be doing okay now that we're at the close of the weekend.

I'm worried about Grandpa and Granny Harp.

-Tiff

Dear Dad,
I got my test photo prints back today and I think they look pretty good. I hung them up in my office to remind me that I need to keep working and that I've still got so much left to do for my show. I've really got everything to do, because I haven't really started; I've just been talking about it a lot. I talked to Paula today on my way home from work and we chatted for quite a while..we usually do. I feel more like a whole cohesive piece of something and more like myself after we talk. She reminds me that it's okay to be me..just by being her. I went with Mom to her orthopedic doctor and it's confirmed that a knee replacement is happening soon. I hope after this she starts feeling better. She's got to start taking better care of herself, but no one can do it for her. She's got to make an effort...starting with eating better. We've got another appointment with her regular doctor, hopefully next week and maybe that will get things going in a better direction. Grandpa is having a rough time and is pretty sick in the hospital. We're all going to go over to see him on Saturday. I'm worried about grandma. Please help him and do what you can to make things easy...I know you will and are. Things...just everything seems so hard now...harder than I ever thought they 'd be. In that same breath or thought, I say/think that I'm extremely blessed and have so much more than I'd ever thought I would or that I deserve. I hope in the end everything will be alright.

-Tiff

Dear Dad,
I forgot about yours and Mom's anniversary on Friday, but you know I was thinking about it earlier in the week. I was going to frame the dried flowers from the funeral for mom with one of your old poems that you wrote and was going to see if James wanted to give it to mom as a gift together. I remembered tonight and threw something together for her and nonchalantly gave it to her and told her that once we get the bathroom and bedroom fixed that she should hang it up. I mentioned that I knew your anniversary was Friday, and that James and I had thought about making something like this for her. I left it in the bedroom for her. Maybe it was better this way, instead of making a big deal about it. I feel bad that I didn't say anything to mom on Friday...I'm sure she thought that I forgot...I guess I did. I hope she didn't feel too alone...it's the first year with you not being here for it. Honestly, I'm not sure if you guys still celebrated, though I'm sure even if it wasn't an outward sort of affection, each year you honored it in your own way. This weekend was busy, but good. I appreciated Eric multiple times over the last few days. I don't know if it was just a good weekend or me being more aware of how perfect he really is for me...really that we are for each other. We went to a wedding also, I'm sure that had something to do with it. I always think about how lucky I am, when I'm attending a wedding and how much I really enjoyed what Eric and I did at ours. Happy Anniversary, Dad. I hope Mom is okay.

-Tiff

Dear Dad,
The day today was not bad...maybe even good, especially for a Monday. I left work early..actually on time, but it seemed early to me. It was nice to have the extra time. My heart was a little sad though on the way home, when I drove past the old house. The football team was practicing on the HS field and I had the window down so I could hear the chatter and smell the woodsy smell of the trees in the park. And once I got inside the house the wood floor smell hit me in the face...it all just felt comfortable and like home. I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss it. And I look at pictures that I've taken that include parts of the yard here and things and it's not really pretty. There are things I can do about that...and I plan to. I just have to work on one thing at at time. I need to get some pictures up in the bedroom...just so maybe it feels a little more like our space. Things are good though. I've felt at peace with things the last few days and just comfortable.

-Tiff

Dear Dad,
I had such a wonderful evening! Went to diner with friends and it felt good. Good food...good company...and I laughed a lot. At one point I may have cried slightly from laughing so hard. I cried in the car after I left too, just about half the way home. Just because I was so grateful...for everything, and I had another night of feeling not heavy. The radio was off so it was pretty quiet, except for the noise from outside seeping in. There were a lot of yellow trees that I saw on the way home (even though it was dark out) and they always make me think of you. I was thinking that you were happy, knowing that I was happy. And just cried because I was. Miss you.

-Tiff

Dear Dad,
Just spent my Sunday morning as I usually do with James Lipton and the Actors' Studio. It's always so humbling because it reminds me that I've still got so much more room in me left (more than I'd like) for greatness. Today was better than usual though because it was an episode where James Lipton was the guest...and I realized while watching that I was closer to you this morning than I've ever been since you've gone...specifically when he was asked by one of the students which role he'd most like to be remembered for and he said that he hopes that his tombstone reads Dean Lipton. There are such parallels between the two of you. Maybe the medium in which you work are different, however you both have that same sense of passion in teaching those mediums and making a difference (that neither of you will know the extent of) in the lives and futures of the students. He (and you) have a way of bridging the gap between where the students are and where they want and need to be...and making it a compelling journey of willing wonder, surrender and also many times very silly and fun. I saved the episode and hope that I can find a DVD or something of this particular episode so I don't have to fast forward through the commercials...it would be great to have when I'm missing you most. And the show in general always makes things a little quieter so that I can get things in order (for the moment) and hopefully get me to a path of having a little less empty space waiting for creative greatness.

-Tiff

Dear Dad,
I finally got my new camera today. It's good...good things are in the works. The camera itself is just so beautiful and the lens is amazing. I'm finally going to be able to work on my show...I've been putting if off. Though no excuses now.

-Tiff

Dear Dad,
The ADDY Award show was this weekend. I ran into some old friends from years ago and caught up a little...good times. I felt like an outsider, and just un-noticed...I've been feeling that way most of the time lately. I'm sure it's my doing or in my own mind. I just feel really lonely. I'm sure it has a large part to do with how much I work. I mean other than work, I'm not really contributing to much else or anyone else. I'm hopefully getting some new camera equipment soon. I'm more than excited about it and hopefully I'll start shooting again.

Your tree is looking really wonderful with all of the yellow flowers. There so many more flower buds that have yet opened...I can't wait until the entire tree is yellow.

-Tiff

Dear Dad,
I saw the flowers on your tree this morning. They're so beautiful...fitting that they appeared on Valentine's Day. It was a Valentines' Day surprise that I actually appreciated...more than appreciated. Usually I stay away from flowers and Valentine's Day. I had lunch and went shopping with some friends today; actually for the entire afternoon. It was a pretty nice day. I'm taking back everything that I bought. I never really look at things when trying them on in the stores...or they must just look different when I get home. I take back about half of everything I purchase. Store retailers hate me. Even still, it was time well spent. Anyhoo, happy Valentine's Day to you too.

-Tiff

Dear Dad,
I wonder really, how many good days I write to you about. You know, I operate and just keep going with the silent understanding that everyone just knows that I'm putting in more than my fair share of effort. Not that most, if not everyone else is not. I'm not expecting any sort of outward gesture to award my merit. However, it's such a slap in the face to know that the silence had nothing to do with any sort of understanding. In fact nothing was understood or noticed. I didn't feel that I needed to broadcast any of my efforts. The realization that I need to be loud in order to gain even an unspoken acknowledgment or just to not be excluded from the club of those giving something of themselves just hurt...today hurt. Followed by the hurt of today was a delicately placed cherry on the top of my crappy day in the form of Eric and I ending our night on very low note. I just hope tomorrow is brighter.

-Tiff

Dear Dad,
We all went to Chris and Cindy's house for dinner over the weekend. It was much better than I thought it would be. Not that I was expecting anything to be bad...it was just a better time than expected. We talked a lot about family and how things were or used to be. I listened a lot. I also have a whole new understanding of you and the leaps that you took from where you were. You and I know and understand the depths of that. I will say that if each generation of parents learn and accept, to some degree, a little more than the last I really believe that we're all in a good place. I just appreciate your efforts more than I have before...though I realize the timing is very late.

I was in way over my head at work today...okay maybe not way, but in over my head. It all worked out though I believe. I was uncomfortable and scared. But I walked through it anyway and made it through...feel a little accomplished even.

-Tiff

Dear Dad,
Stressful afternoon and evening today. James is doing such a great job of keeping the "business" stuff together for Mom, but he's getting tired. I realize that it's a tough task and blending it into keeping his own stuff together only elevates the level of difficulty. I'm so far removed from it and don't know how to even poke my pinky toe in to help or really make any sense of it. My role is a little different and not as saturated. My part has become more of a quiet constant, everyday, if that makes any sense. I feel a little guilty, because he deals with the tough and not-fun stuff. Mom doesn't like dealing with the not-fun stuff either and doesn't always make it easy. He's doing his best to do what you would do/want him to do and I know he's afraid that he's not succeeding. Though he can't base his level of success on the amount of change in Mom. I learned a long time ago that you can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped/fixed and you can't control anyone except for yourself. I don't think that Mom feels that anything is broken. At some point you've got to just set the help down until everyone is ready for it. It's hard when it's family though and just setting "it" down only to wash your hands isn't always the right thing do in every case. Now that I've just walked in a circle...I just hope they can find a point of happiness somewhere in the middle, and that James can hear your voice giving him the credit of success that he deserves.

It's been really cold and I worry about your tree. I'm sure Eric and I looked like fools last night trying to cover the tree with a couple of different sheets. I'm sure you had a laugh at the site of us out on the front lawn standing on stools with sheets flying in our hands like flags and landing everywhere but over the tree. In the end we settled for keeping the base of the tree trunk warm and just wrapped some blankets around the roots and bottom of the tree. I worry sometimes about what I "can" say here knowing that I'm putting myself on a stage of sorts and that all of this is available for viewing (by others, besides just you and me) as I'm experiencing all of this. I have to remember that it's all part of the project. I can edit things later, should I decide, though I realize the more true thing to do would be to leave everything just as it is. And it just might help me learn how to not always care so much about what everyone else thinks...I just hope everyone that touches aspects of my life is okay being a little part of the project as well.

-Tiff

Dear Dad,
It's been a long time...too long. Sorry for the absence...again. I feel as time speeds by so quickly. There doesn't seem to be enough time for most things. Last week was a rough week at work...I lost Linda. It was quiet but also loud with nervousness after I knew she was gone. A couple of the girls went to dinner with her and I wanted to go, but was working and wanted to give them their time. I could have not been working though. I could have left. I felt like I'd be an outsider and wanted to give Linda a true sounding board and I thought if I was there it might not have been as true..thinking back on it now I realize I should have gone. If I was an outsider it would have been worth it. It might have been a way for me to be there on a small scale, as she's been there for me when I needed it...and sprung my neediness on her when she was least expecting it. She'll be fine...I'll be fine. I guess I just know that it's probably not likely that in two years we'll still even know how to get in contact with each other; more because of me and my incapability to keep in contact with people that I don't see on a daily basis. (I know it's not fair that I force all my friends to put in so much extra effort into our relationships.) That makes me sad...though I hope I'm really wrong about this. Things are busy at work though and I keep telling myself that with the way of today, not enough time to fit in everything needed is better than seeking a string of tasks to fill the day. On top of it I'm pretty busy with photoshoot work, which is always a good thing. Though outside of work everything else seems to be falling apart...not really falling apart but all else seems neglected. Mom got a new car. James helped her pick something out and it's really nice. It's way more than I'm sure she was expecting. She's going to have to learn all of the new technology that's included with it in pieces. It's too much for her all at once! James and I talking to her about taking better care of herself. I'm really hoping she'll decide to have her knee replacement done before summer starts and that she's on the road to being healthier...before Baby Harp gets here.

-Tiff

Dear Dad,
We celebrated Mom's birthday this weekend. We all took her to The OG...really James and Daniela did though. They pulled a fast one and James handed his card to the waiter before Eric and I could split it with them...before he even brought the bill really. After diner we came back to the house, after James and Daniela stopped to get a cake. They got two candles: a number "6" and a number "1". Mom switched them around, wishing she were a much younger 16! We just hung around the kitchen and talked and laughed. It felt good. Though prior to all this we sent flowers to school for her on Friday, which worked out to be the day before her actual birthday. I included your name on the card even though I wasn't sure if it was the right thing do or not. Eric said that I shouldn't because it might make her upset. In the end I thought it was important to include you and felt it was something that you wanted. (Secretly though, it may have been one of those things that I do because I feel guilty for doing things/moving on without you.) Though next to the flowers that Holly and Tony sent, ours look like pulled up weeds! The flowers they sent were really beautiful. Oh Dad, I'm really worried about my friend at work, and there's not much that I know to do to help her. She's so amazing on a personal level and as a co-worker. I know I've asked you quite often lately to help me out in some sort, but if I was ever able to get a favor pulled, now would be the time. If there's anything you can do to help her or look out for her...or help put her on whatever track or path she's supposed to travel (even if it doesn't fit into the cast I'd expect), I beg of you to act on it. It's really important to me. She's one of my friends that's helped me get through all that's gone on for me in the last few months...specifically one of the ones that really has no idea how much of an impact she's had on helping everything to fit into and make sense in my head.

I thought of you this morning...I took James to Junior's Diner...that diner that I would have loved to take you to for breakfast. And he said that it was like that Jack and Jane's place that you used to really love, just a little bigger. I knew you'd like it :-)

-Tiff

Dear Dad,
A monumental day today. I hope you got front row seats! This is one of those days that people will ask years from now where you were and what you were doing...and many will recount with nostalgia such vivid stories that include a ridiculous amount of detail like what it was that they were wearing, what the weather was like for the day (and how it changed throughout the afternoon) and maybe what kind of TV was showing "the moment", along with a story of how it got there. Or even who was around them while it was happening. It's good though...moments like these are a sign of things about to change...which I think is always a good thing -even when you'd wish for time to stand still indefinitely. And after all of this history changing stuff going on, all I can think of is the dog that I'm sure is out there in the cold somewhere by himself. I guess I need to back up a little bit: After our walk with the dogs on Sunday my mind was stuck on the "lost dog" (or so the sign said) and I wanted so badly to help him. I posted a link on craigslist.com and I got an email yesterday about someone who lost a dog in the area and her description was pretty much dead on. Eric went to the neighbor's house that was holding onto the dog and the woman of the house seemed pretty crazy-pants, so Eric took the dog with him. The crazy-pants lady couldn't have been happier. The lady thinking her family dog may have been found, came by the house hoping to take her dog home. Prior to her getting here, I had visions of crying at the dog/person reunion...I can't imagine losing one of our dogs. Only to find out that the emotional event in my mind wasn't going fall into the mold that I had assigned. This unnamed dog could and does still stand in the "lost" dog line-up, unfortunately right a long with her dog. She knew even before she got all the way out the door in the back that he didn't belong with her family. So we (dog and us) were stuck with each other at this point...at least for the night. He was so very friendly...however we weren't sure how he would be with other dogs or exactly where he fell on the health scale, so we kept him separated him from our dogs. He stayed on the couches in the garage and hopefully slept okay for the night. In the morning after he had a little breakfast, Eric had him outside and I think Shadow must have scared him with a bark from other side of the backyard fence. He just took off down the street...even with the harness and leash, borrowed from Lola-Bacon, still attached to him. It's so cold tonight and it's supposed to be colder tomorrow. James says that I gave him a death sentence...I know he thinks that I shouldn't get involved. I just couldn't help it. Many times I would prefer dogs over people. I think too often we as humans, dismiss and discard animals and I can't imagine how low and empty it must feel to be one of the dismissed and discarded. If I'm able to help or save one, I'm hoping it makes the ones that slip through the fingers (like this lost guy) worth it. Well I don't know about worth it...but I can only hope it makes it feel a little better.

-Tiff

Dear Dad,
Not a bad weekend...went to a party on Friday night with some friends and hung out with Mel and Izzak last night to celebrate Mel's birthday. I had a good time...at both. I've been feeling lighter the last few days and just been enjoying what I'm doing when I'm doing it. This morning Eric and I got up and went out for breakfast...we were finally able to get into that Bakin & Eggs place. It's so silly, but I love the spelling of the restaurant name. It was the real reason that I wanted to step inside. Only to find the food was pretty good. I really enjoyed it. Oh, and I finally got to wear my new hat! The weather's been great: cool and crisp. Though sadness creeped out this afternoon when we took the dogs for a walk this afternoon and saw a dog tied to a tree sitting under a small sign with the words LOST DOG? painted in white. It broke my heart. He looked so confused, but was really friendly. I'm sure he's got a home somewhere. I want to help him find it, so I posted a link on craigslist. No one's called yet for him, but someone did call wanting to take him if no one claims him. Though I can't imagine being lost and instead of going home, going to some strange place feeling so scared and unsettled. Whisper something to his person...somehow send them my way so the dog can feel safe again and just...not lost.

-Tiff

Dear Dad,
Shoot tomorrow...and I feel pretty calm about the whole thing. Hopefully the calmness is coming from a sense of complete organization and not from the pit of forgotten items. We always talked lots about what I do for work...a small silver lining in all of this lives in the fact that you now get to see and be there first hand. Wish me luck, and any help in keeping things running smoothly will be warmly accepted :-)

-Tiff

Dear Dad,
Just wanted to send a quick note to say thank you for the pistachios today. It was great to find them when and where I did. I know that was you saying hi...there is no question in my mind. First time since you've been gone that I felt and just knew you were there -I don't think I'll ever forget it.

-Tiff

Dear Dad,
Such a busy day today. Though in the end it all seemed to work out...we'll see if today's triumphs stick tomorrow. I was looking forward to hanging out with some friends tomorrow after work, but I don't know if it's going to work out to allow me to go. Mom is back into the swing of just doing so much. She's going back to school, after she picks up Lexi and comes home, to be the childcare for those needing it while attending a PTA meeting. All of her running around makes me feel bad for having her go and pick up Lexi. I was thinking it would be a good idea having her pick her up most days, because she really wanted to see her...I know she's been missing her since she's been at her new school, but I didn't mean to add additional chaos. I've been watching The Shining on TV tonight. Though it always messes with my head. But I can't not watch...I hope I can sleep.

-Tiff

Dear Dad,
I feel like we've got to catch up...it's been a few days, but there's not much to update. Last week hit ferocious right between the eyes and I decided to go out with some friends from Push on Friday night. I know I was quiet but I did have a good time. It was good to be out with them. I don't think they realize what they mean to me. I know I've got my more "serious" friends, but for the most part they're there every day. There are a handful of things this past year that they're responsible for getting me through, though I'm sure not one of them is aware. Eric and I went to Junior's for brunch this morning. I forgot how great that bacon, egg and cheese burger was the last time I had it...that was a fun morning. We discovered this new breakfast haven with Linda before buying a prop for work. I wish I could have taken you for breakfast there, before you started feeling bad. You would have loved it. It reminds me of the simple life that I know you hold close to your heart and honestly is part of who you are. I envy that you know what that simple, 50esque sort of life is. I can only see this in movies and books, and I know you actually lived it...just like on TV. I guess we could still have a Junior's breakfast together. Next time I go, I'll make sure you know we're going. Hopefully you can make a quick stop in.

-Tiff

Dear Dad,
Days recently have been rocky and honestly, without a tangible reason. I just feel so out of sync and very alone with myself. There's a missing piece, though I know the empty hole lies within me. I've actually been avoiding writing for a couple of days because I'd have to think about it and what's wrong, forcing my fingers down the pocket walls of me in an effort to somehow try to process at least a portion of it. The truth is that I really don't want to deal with it. I'm out of touch with most everything and everyone because I'm not participating in life in general lately, therefore there's no real exchange with others. I was reading a lot a few months before you left and remember from one of the books, the idea of participating...in life and with people. I have tried to fake it a little and the conversations that I really don't want to be having but am blindly talking through anyway. However, I know they come off as nothing more than numb because there's no real and honest energy behind them. You know it sort of hurts my heart, but I can talk to you so much more freely in these letters than I was ever able to while you where here. Maybe because there's the doubt sprinkling part of me that says that says they're just private ideas and that you're not really seeing them or know of their existance. Yet another, tells me that you're aware of every word. I just wish that you could tell me what to do...if there's any guidance that you can give me from where you are are, the believer in me...of you, is listening.

-Tiff

Dear Dad,
James and Eric cleaned out the garage today. We were able to bring over our couches and put them in there, so now Lexi has a play room/area. And I can actually do laundry and fold it out there now. It feels good to have things cleaned up. Though I guess it stressed out Mom, which really wasn't the intention. Quite the opposite, actually. They found a snake behind one of the cabinets when cleaning things out, and Eric lifted up the cabinet and James cut the snake in pieces with an axe. Not too long after that Lexi and her friends had a funeral and burial for it. Ugh...I'm feeling worse than I can remember in a long time...I think I ate some bad pork. I was the only one who had any pork...fortunately for everyone else it was too spicy! Hope I feel better soon; I really can't afford to miss work days this early in the year.

-Tiff

Dear Dad,
We went to go take a look at your headstone today. It's the first time I've been back since we buried you. I don't know honestly that I'll be by too often. I just feel so much that you're not really there and that stopping by there is really more for us. This...these letters are my real time with you. Lexi left you a message written in the sand. I hope grass covers it soon. Not the message, but the sand. Though I realize no sand...no written message, obviously. We've been told it will. It still looks so fresh with the sand like that. Though it was easier for my heart than I was expecting, being there...I was surprised. I'm going to attribute that to the fact that you've held onto my box. I'm so attached to it, because I never really gave it away to you...at least in person, in the physical form. I've got to find a way to let that go. You know and I know what we need to. We also stopped by, and Mom left some flowers for, Granny and Poppy. Though we noticed that they never added a death date to Poppy's headstone. I got some great pictures of Eric and Lexi on the way back. It was a much lighter car ride home than expected. Mom laughed at a joke tonight that Eric made about his butt feeling like leather because Lexi was blowing smoke up it...just really funny that she thought it was funny. Miss you.

-Tiff

Dear Dad,
I finished my Nikki Sixx book and have moved on to the Big Russ book. So far so good. I can see why you related to the book so well...there is definitely a bit of an essence of your voice in the pages. I'm not going to make any resolutions for the new year; it's just too much pressure. I've decided I'm going to just be who I'm going to be. As usual it was for the most part a quiet day. The exciting thing for the day was my new hat purchase at Target. I can't wait to wear it out.

-Tiff