Dear Dad,
I drove home in the most beautiful sunset sun today. I was helping someone take a photo before leaving work and when finished, I realized how late it was. The light made everything it touched bright orange and it reminded me of an afternoon in summer. When I got home I became very mad at mom, because she had changed the plans I had made for tomorrow even though I had everything all sorted out already. It's been very hard lately to keep track of what's going on with Lexi and her taking control of the day tomorrow didn't help me in gaining a grasp of the reins. I feel a little bad for being angry, but am still angry about it all. I realize it's sort of silly. I guess we both just need to give each other some space.
-Tiff
Monday, March 30, 2009
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Dear Dad,
I wore your Squamish shirt on Saturday morning while I took some photos of a friend from work and her sister for a gift they're giving their stepmom. I was really scared that I wasn't going to be good enough, but did it anyway. I wore the shirt because it just made me feel better about what I was doing. I'm not sure yet what I think of the photos...they need some correcting for sure. Though I'm hoping they'll be okay. We went to see Grandpa in the afternoon. He didn't look very good, but was trying to be strong. I saw the same scared look in his eyes and the fear that his lips fought back that I saw when I would look at you, not very long before you left. It broke my heart. As I as was standing there I felt awful, because I just kept thinking that he and you were so much closer to James and that I didn't know what I could have done to make that any different. Then I felt bad for thinking those thoughts. I mean why does it matter? But I kept thinking it anyway. I always did feel so much different than everyone...it was just so hard to relate. Granny Harp is hurting too...she misses you more than she knows how to say.
It was also a rough weekend for Eric and I. I just felt like we were in rocky waters and just not able to get along for most of the weekend. I still don't have anything shot for my show and I'm starting to get worried. I guess I took some of that frustration out on Eric and he threw quite a bit of his frustration about his bike at me. Though in the end he got his bike and seems to be happy. I've realize that I need to get my butt in gear and it's no one's fault but my own that I stand where I do. We met in the middle and seem to be doing okay now that we're at the close of the weekend.
I'm worried about Grandpa and Granny Harp.
-Tiff
I wore your Squamish shirt on Saturday morning while I took some photos of a friend from work and her sister for a gift they're giving their stepmom. I was really scared that I wasn't going to be good enough, but did it anyway. I wore the shirt because it just made me feel better about what I was doing. I'm not sure yet what I think of the photos...they need some correcting for sure. Though I'm hoping they'll be okay. We went to see Grandpa in the afternoon. He didn't look very good, but was trying to be strong. I saw the same scared look in his eyes and the fear that his lips fought back that I saw when I would look at you, not very long before you left. It broke my heart. As I as was standing there I felt awful, because I just kept thinking that he and you were so much closer to James and that I didn't know what I could have done to make that any different. Then I felt bad for thinking those thoughts. I mean why does it matter? But I kept thinking it anyway. I always did feel so much different than everyone...it was just so hard to relate. Granny Harp is hurting too...she misses you more than she knows how to say.
It was also a rough weekend for Eric and I. I just felt like we were in rocky waters and just not able to get along for most of the weekend. I still don't have anything shot for my show and I'm starting to get worried. I guess I took some of that frustration out on Eric and he threw quite a bit of his frustration about his bike at me. Though in the end he got his bike and seems to be happy. I've realize that I need to get my butt in gear and it's no one's fault but my own that I stand where I do. We met in the middle and seem to be doing okay now that we're at the close of the weekend.
I'm worried about Grandpa and Granny Harp.
-Tiff
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Dear Dad,
I got my test photo prints back today and I think they look pretty good. I hung them up in my office to remind me that I need to keep working and that I've still got so much left to do for my show. I've really got everything to do, because I haven't really started; I've just been talking about it a lot. I talked to Paula today on my way home from work and we chatted for quite a while..we usually do. I feel more like a whole cohesive piece of something and more like myself after we talk. She reminds me that it's okay to be me..just by being her. I went with Mom to her orthopedic doctor and it's confirmed that a knee replacement is happening soon. I hope after this she starts feeling better. She's got to start taking better care of herself, but no one can do it for her. She's got to make an effort...starting with eating better. We've got another appointment with her regular doctor, hopefully next week and maybe that will get things going in a better direction. Grandpa is having a rough time and is pretty sick in the hospital. We're all going to go over to see him on Saturday. I'm worried about grandma. Please help him and do what you can to make things easy...I know you will and are. Things...just everything seems so hard now...harder than I ever thought they 'd be. In that same breath or thought, I say/think that I'm extremely blessed and have so much more than I'd ever thought I would or that I deserve. I hope in the end everything will be alright.
-Tiff
I got my test photo prints back today and I think they look pretty good. I hung them up in my office to remind me that I need to keep working and that I've still got so much left to do for my show. I've really got everything to do, because I haven't really started; I've just been talking about it a lot. I talked to Paula today on my way home from work and we chatted for quite a while..we usually do. I feel more like a whole cohesive piece of something and more like myself after we talk. She reminds me that it's okay to be me..just by being her. I went with Mom to her orthopedic doctor and it's confirmed that a knee replacement is happening soon. I hope after this she starts feeling better. She's got to start taking better care of herself, but no one can do it for her. She's got to make an effort...starting with eating better. We've got another appointment with her regular doctor, hopefully next week and maybe that will get things going in a better direction. Grandpa is having a rough time and is pretty sick in the hospital. We're all going to go over to see him on Saturday. I'm worried about grandma. Please help him and do what you can to make things easy...I know you will and are. Things...just everything seems so hard now...harder than I ever thought they 'd be. In that same breath or thought, I say/think that I'm extremely blessed and have so much more than I'd ever thought I would or that I deserve. I hope in the end everything will be alright.
-Tiff
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Dear Dad,
I forgot about yours and Mom's anniversary on Friday, but you know I was thinking about it earlier in the week. I was going to frame the dried flowers from the funeral for mom with one of your old poems that you wrote and was going to see if James wanted to give it to mom as a gift together. I remembered tonight and threw something together for her and nonchalantly gave it to her and told her that once we get the bathroom and bedroom fixed that she should hang it up. I mentioned that I knew your anniversary was Friday, and that James and I had thought about making something like this for her. I left it in the bedroom for her. Maybe it was better this way, instead of making a big deal about it. I feel bad that I didn't say anything to mom on Friday...I'm sure she thought that I forgot...I guess I did. I hope she didn't feel too alone...it's the first year with you not being here for it. Honestly, I'm not sure if you guys still celebrated, though I'm sure even if it wasn't an outward sort of affection, each year you honored it in your own way. This weekend was busy, but good. I appreciated Eric multiple times over the last few days. I don't know if it was just a good weekend or me being more aware of how perfect he really is for me...really that we are for each other. We went to a wedding also, I'm sure that had something to do with it. I always think about how lucky I am, when I'm attending a wedding and how much I really enjoyed what Eric and I did at ours. Happy Anniversary, Dad. I hope Mom is okay.
-Tiff
I forgot about yours and Mom's anniversary on Friday, but you know I was thinking about it earlier in the week. I was going to frame the dried flowers from the funeral for mom with one of your old poems that you wrote and was going to see if James wanted to give it to mom as a gift together. I remembered tonight and threw something together for her and nonchalantly gave it to her and told her that once we get the bathroom and bedroom fixed that she should hang it up. I mentioned that I knew your anniversary was Friday, and that James and I had thought about making something like this for her. I left it in the bedroom for her. Maybe it was better this way, instead of making a big deal about it. I feel bad that I didn't say anything to mom on Friday...I'm sure she thought that I forgot...I guess I did. I hope she didn't feel too alone...it's the first year with you not being here for it. Honestly, I'm not sure if you guys still celebrated, though I'm sure even if it wasn't an outward sort of affection, each year you honored it in your own way. This weekend was busy, but good. I appreciated Eric multiple times over the last few days. I don't know if it was just a good weekend or me being more aware of how perfect he really is for me...really that we are for each other. We went to a wedding also, I'm sure that had something to do with it. I always think about how lucky I am, when I'm attending a wedding and how much I really enjoyed what Eric and I did at ours. Happy Anniversary, Dad. I hope Mom is okay.
-Tiff
Monday, March 16, 2009
Dear Dad,
The day today was not bad...maybe even good, especially for a Monday. I left work early..actually on time, but it seemed early to me. It was nice to have the extra time. My heart was a little sad though on the way home, when I drove past the old house. The football team was practicing on the HS field and I had the window down so I could hear the chatter and smell the woodsy smell of the trees in the park. And once I got inside the house the wood floor smell hit me in the face...it all just felt comfortable and like home. I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss it. And I look at pictures that I've taken that include parts of the yard here and things and it's not really pretty. There are things I can do about that...and I plan to. I just have to work on one thing at at time. I need to get some pictures up in the bedroom...just so maybe it feels a little more like our space. Things are good though. I've felt at peace with things the last few days and just comfortable.
-Tiff
The day today was not bad...maybe even good, especially for a Monday. I left work early..actually on time, but it seemed early to me. It was nice to have the extra time. My heart was a little sad though on the way home, when I drove past the old house. The football team was practicing on the HS field and I had the window down so I could hear the chatter and smell the woodsy smell of the trees in the park. And once I got inside the house the wood floor smell hit me in the face...it all just felt comfortable and like home. I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss it. And I look at pictures that I've taken that include parts of the yard here and things and it's not really pretty. There are things I can do about that...and I plan to. I just have to work on one thing at at time. I need to get some pictures up in the bedroom...just so maybe it feels a little more like our space. Things are good though. I've felt at peace with things the last few days and just comfortable.
-Tiff
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Dear Dad,
I had such a wonderful evening! Went to diner with friends and it felt good. Good food...good company...and I laughed a lot. At one point I may have cried slightly from laughing so hard. I cried in the car after I left too, just about half the way home. Just because I was so grateful...for everything, and I had another night of feeling not heavy. The radio was off so it was pretty quiet, except for the noise from outside seeping in. There were a lot of yellow trees that I saw on the way home (even though it was dark out) and they always make me think of you. I was thinking that you were happy, knowing that I was happy. And just cried because I was. Miss you.
-Tiff
I had such a wonderful evening! Went to diner with friends and it felt good. Good food...good company...and I laughed a lot. At one point I may have cried slightly from laughing so hard. I cried in the car after I left too, just about half the way home. Just because I was so grateful...for everything, and I had another night of feeling not heavy. The radio was off so it was pretty quiet, except for the noise from outside seeping in. There were a lot of yellow trees that I saw on the way home (even though it was dark out) and they always make me think of you. I was thinking that you were happy, knowing that I was happy. And just cried because I was. Miss you.
-Tiff
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Dear Dad,
Just spent my Sunday morning as I usually do with James Lipton and the Actors' Studio. It's always so humbling because it reminds me that I've still got so much more room in me left (more than I'd like) for greatness. Today was better than usual though because it was an episode where James Lipton was the guest...and I realized while watching that I was closer to you this morning than I've ever been since you've gone...specifically when he was asked by one of the students which role he'd most like to be remembered for and he said that he hopes that his tombstone reads Dean Lipton. There are such parallels between the two of you. Maybe the medium in which you work are different, however you both have that same sense of passion in teaching those mediums and making a difference (that neither of you will know the extent of) in the lives and futures of the students. He (and you) have a way of bridging the gap between where the students are and where they want and need to be...and making it a compelling journey of willing wonder, surrender and also many times very silly and fun. I saved the episode and hope that I can find a DVD or something of this particular episode so I don't have to fast forward through the commercials...it would be great to have when I'm missing you most. And the show in general always makes things a little quieter so that I can get things in order (for the moment) and hopefully get me to a path of having a little less empty space waiting for creative greatness.
-Tiff
Just spent my Sunday morning as I usually do with James Lipton and the Actors' Studio. It's always so humbling because it reminds me that I've still got so much more room in me left (more than I'd like) for greatness. Today was better than usual though because it was an episode where James Lipton was the guest...and I realized while watching that I was closer to you this morning than I've ever been since you've gone...specifically when he was asked by one of the students which role he'd most like to be remembered for and he said that he hopes that his tombstone reads Dean Lipton. There are such parallels between the two of you. Maybe the medium in which you work are different, however you both have that same sense of passion in teaching those mediums and making a difference (that neither of you will know the extent of) in the lives and futures of the students. He (and you) have a way of bridging the gap between where the students are and where they want and need to be...and making it a compelling journey of willing wonder, surrender and also many times very silly and fun. I saved the episode and hope that I can find a DVD or something of this particular episode so I don't have to fast forward through the commercials...it would be great to have when I'm missing you most. And the show in general always makes things a little quieter so that I can get things in order (for the moment) and hopefully get me to a path of having a little less empty space waiting for creative greatness.
-Tiff
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